Nothing ever comes without vexation attached to it. I often wonder, why am I fretting over things that I have no control of? What do I wish to do when all I experience is displacement? The crowds don’t serve my emotional isolation. Words don’t pacify the grieving heart. Why doesn’t anything seem to arouse happiness in that complicated brain of mine?
Maybe, because I am a woman. The way I perceive things is different and has little more to it than the naked eye sees. But the world, especially the opposite gender, wouldn’t agree on half the things a woman feels, experiences or desires. For them, the world is black and white, but for us, there are several shades of black, grey and white. For us, things aren’t always as they seem. Life isn’t a path to be walked. In our minds, this world, this life and this journey is like a soft melody that deserves to be heard.
I have watched alot of men walk through life with a grim face. A simple, “everything okay?” is met with a dismissing shrug. A soothing hand around the arm is brushed off with a grunt and a simple plea of mutual connection and trust is reciprocated with, “you will not understand”.
Why do you anticipate a characteristic that you haven’t even tested? Give that woman next to you a chance to listen and unburden your shoulders with the duty of walking through life alone. Showcasing naivety in the presence of your partner doesn’t make you any less stronger. In fact, it creates a bridge between two people who have different reactions to the same situation, but their capacity of letting the other one in on the darkest days allows that strand to not hang loose.
Certain words plunge our hearts into a pit of depression because our hearts only wish to hold others closer. Sometimes our minds steer towards helping others more than we can help ourselves. For us, our lack of finding a solution doesn’t stop us from going an extra mile to be there for the other person. We know the road to practicality but our strongest suit is emotional intelligence. And, when not met half way through, our instincts begin to remove our love from that situation.
Carrying every ounce of emotion in our hearts becomes a source of agitation. While a man shuts down and abandons his emotions, our soul lingers in the corners of every place we have ever occupied. The mind wanders to every moment spent with our beloved. Hands wish to hold entwine fingers with our lover one more time. The body drags itself to bed in tears every night, wishing to be held by those arms. But nothing.
And so, there are days when my eyes are not burning with tears but anger. it’s the rage rooted in not wanting to feel emotionally drained anymore. To not have to crave that gone by moment like its the only thing I can survive on. Somedays I wish to be stone cold. I wish to not care and just be.
But that’s not how women are wired. At the end, we live in that gray space between the black and white world men live in.