Welcome to my world, the world that I have been so devotedly building, then dismantling and then remodeling all together; only to realize that my world will never remain the same any day of the month or year. My world’s ability to transform, adapt and survive is its immortality.
For some people life is a journey that they embark on without any objections, everything that they encounter is either a test or a blessing. They are content with any route that might show up on their way to the final destination. Then there are those that can’t seem to find a setting point. Life for them, is a voyage that demands more than just acceptance. Such people find simplest things to be of complex nature; joy, ease, laughs and tears. They spend a good portion of their journey trying to achieve and balance these things.
A vision resides in my eyes, a reality that only I can see so vividly. And to reach that reality I constantly feel the need to work my way up the ladder. I think that stopping even for a minute will take me back not only hours but days and years. My mind races to hundred different goals that I have set for myself; at the end only draining myself of peace of mind. “Why can’t I just be content with what I have?” I think to myself at least every 10 minutes. Deep down I know that nobody has it all, and so I am not going to have it all either. But the very act of accepting this reality seems to be the hardest task of all. It has not only taken a toll on my health emotionally but mentally as well.
Today, I found myself at loss of energy to do any thing that I find happiness in. I couldn’t drag my body out of my room to sit in the living room with my family, to talk to friends over the phone or even enjoy one of my favorite shows on Netflix. My mind rejected any activity that my heart suggested. It’s as if the mind and body weren’t in sync. Both exhausted in their own ways. A part of me wanted to yell, scream and just throw something against the wall to release the anger of unachieved goals. I wanted to share my feelings with my loved ones, hold a hand, shed tears on someone’s shoulders and not worry about my future for a second. Today, I didn’t want to feel strong, remain positive, think rationally or find a silver lining in my pain. I just wanted to be released of any and all feelings of hurt.
Some days, maybe that’s all we really want. We desperately want to feel happy and at peace. That urge, is stronger than any other emotion you’ll ever feel.
Why do certain things seem to reach you only half way through? Why is there a wait associated with every desire that ignites in the heart? Why does the frustration of not wanting to wait any longer builds like a fire within the soul? Is that how really life works? Some days you’re focused on every goal and on other days you don’t want to move an inch, speak a word or care at all.
I know my way out is only to let it go. But it's easier said than done. But the journey shall never stop.